Thinking About Life While Touching Myself

by Christopher Reardon

Ah, a man's special place. Somewhere he can be alone and take care of all his most private, ahem, functions in peace and serenity. Where touching oneself becomes not only acceptable, but absolutely necessary. No, I'm not talking about that jerk-off dungeon you've got hidden in the crawlspace. I'm talking, of course, about the bathroom.

Perpetuated by manly men like Al Bundy and Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor, the bathroom (and specifically, the toilet) is meant to be the heart of a man's kingdom. After all, men are not to be ashamed of the various fluids that come out of their bodies, while a real lady would never discuss such things. The toilet is a man's throne, but it's not exactly the best place to get any real thinking done.

And why is that? These days the toilet has become an extension of the living room. Look within arm's reach of most American toilets and you are sure to find a stack of magazines or other reading material. Some people even have television sets in their bathrooms. I myself reach for my cell phone when doing the deed (you can ask my friends, I'm not ashamed of dropping a deuce while chatting).

The shower, on the other hand, is one place where books and phones simply can't go. If you're looking for entertainment while in the shower, your best bet is a radio. I'll admit I do listen to some tunes in the shower now and then, but most of the time I prefer to go au natural. That is, only the sound of the water and my own thoughts.

That's why I get most of my best thinking done in the shower. My cleaning routine has become so automatic over the years that it requires zero thought process, so I need something to keep my mind occupied. Half the stories I write for NORMAL were conceived in the shower. When I was in college I could write an entire five page paper while I was in the shower. In fact, if ever I was having a bit of writer's block I would throw on my robe and high tail it to the bathrooms to see what I could work out. Most of the time it worked wonders.

The shower is a great environment for getting some hard core thinking done. Not only is it mostly free of outside stimuli, but I find the warm flowing water very relaxing for the body (which frees me of the physical worries most of us face on a day to day basis) but also stimulating in its own way for the mind. You might have a pile of bills, an angry wife, or a shitty job but none of that can be changed while you are bathing yourself. The shower becomes an escape from all that is stressing me out, so I can focus on what I really care about.

You shouldn't take such a zen place for granted. Your shower loves you, so you should love it back! Keep it clean for God's sake, and tone down on all those bottles and cloths all over it. If your shower is clean and tidy, you'll find it a much more conducive environment for putting all those crazy pieces of ideas in your head into complete thoughts. You'll be surprised what you can come up with!