Rachel Ray: The Devil's Best Friend

by Christopher Reardon

Gentlemen of the world, we've allowed a plague of the worst kind to infect our media. A plague so vile it's invaded most of the country's brains and convinced the hosts that it is actually a credit to the media world. This plague, known to scientists as raydoucheius baggus is better known to the public as Rachel Ray.

Can somebody please tell me how Ray managed to get on TV? She started off as a buyer in a specialty food store, and somehow this qualifies her to tell people nationwide how to cook? She's not even good at it! If I knew you could make a career out of messing up all the time and making up words I'd have been rich by now. In fact, to Food Network: I'm not a chef and I have absolute insecurity when the cameras are on, but I'm sure I could nervously fake my way through a half-hour of bullshit. Sign me to a big contract now, you know you want to!

And you just know she's fake. She seems so nice on TV, but I'd bet my non-existent Christmas bonus she's a real bitch in person. Her bubbly facade may fool gullible housewives but I'm not buying it.

Honestly, Thirty Minute Meals is a good idea. When it first came out I was actually impressed with the idea of a cooking show with no "through the magic of TV" moments, but it wasn't long until I realized that without the magic of TV, Thirty Minute Meals lacked some measure of magic on TV. Then came Forty Dollars a Day, which was another good idea, but by this time Ray's inescapably fake effervescence had begun to gnaw my nerves. Every time she throws something in her garbage bowl or uses EVOO I just want to cook whatever it is she's making, eat it, and then throw it up all over the TV screen. Every time something she eats is "yummo" or "delish" my baby-punching instinct kicks in, and I kinda like babies! And the worst offense yet: whose effing idea was it to give her a talk show?! She can hardly talk, never mind come up with something worth listening to.

The fact of the matter is that I'm jealous of her. She has all the success that I'm looking for but I know I could do everything she does with ten times more panache and seven times fewer annoying moments. But I'm not the only person in the world who hates Ray. Says poster amysep over at We Are Never Full, "God, even uttering her name... just typing her name... makes my mouth purse, my body shiver and Ifind myself making a gaging [sic] sound." Rob Walker of the Boston Globe wrote an entire piece about the thousands of people who hate Mrs. Ray-Ray. She's very hate-able for all her annoying qualities, but Food Network and all the networks that gobbled up her syndicated talk show have seen fit to make her into a huge star. Well I've had enough of it! The world needs to realize how annoying and talent-less Ray is so we can finally be rid of her.