Potty Mouth Commando

I grew up on the mean street of Lynn Massachusetts and in the profane laden Spillane household. Profanity, alcohol, drugs and violence are an acceptable way of life, right? Well that’s what I thought anyways. As I get older I am beginning to mellow and see things a lot differently than I used to. I quit drugs 5 years ago, quit drinking 20 months ago and I haven’t stomped anyone out lately, now I need to work on the potty mouth. I didn’t see the profanity as being an issue until recently. A couple weeks ago my 3 year old called my 11 year old an “f’ing a’hole”. I will admit that at the time I found it quite humorous. I want my daughter to talk like a lady not a truck driver. It’s not her fault, it’s 100% mine. Profanity is not just vulgar it’s classless, so why is it so acceptable? I for one am going to break the cycle in this family and work on being a better father and human being.

Giving My Liver a Chance

by Scott Spillane

I am 36 years old, and I’ve been a big drinker since I was 18 years old. Going out twice a week with my friends and drinking at home. I'm not quite sure why I was drinking so much or what is was I was trying to drown. As I got older the drinking became “normal”, no matter how many times I would blackout it didn’t matter, I would continue to drink. It got to a point at which I would have to apologize for doing or saying something that I didn’t know I did or said.

You see I grew up watching my father drink Miller High Life morning, noon and night. I’m a father now and I don’t want my daughter remembering me as the drunken guy on the couch. So on President’s day this past February I said to myself “self, knock off the fucking shit!” My daughter Krysia is the most beautiful person in the world and I want her to grow up in a happy home and be proud that I am her father.

Now I will tell you how I quit drinking cold turkey after nearly 18 years of debauchery.One word – O’Doul’s. I found out that having the taste without the blackouts and shame was all I needed. My life and my daughter are far more important than feeling numb and empty.

So I would like to thank Anheuser Bush for making something responsible and my wife for giving birth to my little girl.To all of you out there that don’t think you can quit, I’m here to tell you that you can do it!

From a First Time Father

by Matthew Jupin

I am going to be a dad. My beautiful wife Amanda is due with our baby boy on February 9. We have been through a lot and, I'll be honest, when I first found out she was pregnant I was nervous and afraid I might fuck up. I took me about two weeks to just get used to the idea that I was going to be a father. The beginning of the pregnancy flew by.

Around week twenty one there was a problem with the ultrasound. The doctor seemed worried the baby's brain was underdeveloped, and he told us it had a one in ten chance of being healthy. My wife was a wreck for a whole week. I was angry and upset, but I kept thinking that I can worry a little or I can worry a lot, but the outcome would be the same. I knew I had to be strong for Amanda. We both prayed (not that it would change anything; it just helps to cope with bad news).

We had to get a fetal MRI in Boston. The baby (to everyone's surprise including the doctor's) was found to be perfectly normal. We were so happy and relieved. Now I am really excited and can't wait until February. There is still a lot to do. We have a birthing class once a week that is nothing like what I expected. I learned so much (did you know a women can drink alcohol while breast feeding and not affect the baby?). I am also working on a nursery for the baby (with a little help from my friends) which I hope to finish in two more weeks. Then I have about three weeks left to get ready for Connor Matthew Jupin. We finally decided on the name today. I think it has a nice ring to it, no?

The Other Sex: Some Advice to Make OUR Lives Easier

by Michael Weisburg

Women have to be the most difficult thing on the face of the earth to deal with. I am being serious. If you're a guy, and you date women, then you know exactly what I am talking about. So lets get into it shall we....

First topic: THE PERIOD-Have you ever noticed that no matter what you do or say to them, when that time of the month rolls around, you are ALWAYS wrong. I swear, I must be the stupidest person ever. I have seen the devil, and it comes in the form of PMS. And as a guy, you can never tell your girlfriend, wife or "friend with benefits" that they are getting bitchy. That causes more problems.
Also for you ladies out there reading this, we DO NOT care how its flowing this month, so please don't tell us. We dont need tampons either, so don't expect us to buy them in the store for you. Do we expect you ladies to buy condoms? NO! We also don't know if it is a light day or a heavy day, or if you need a cardboard applicator. And that is enough about that topic for now. PERIOD!

Topic #2: THE CLOTHES- Ladies, no matter what you ask us, there is no right answer. "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" HELL YEAH and we like it. We aren't going to tell you that because then you will just start crying and complaining about what we said. If you don't want the truth, then don't ask. Do I come out of the bedroom with a stained shirt on and a pair of ripped jeans asking you if it makes my stomach stick out (and trust me, my stomach sticks out)? We men just don't care about how we look as long as the clothes we are wearing smell clean. We don't need to spend 20 minutes looking at the same reflection in the mirror to see if it changed. We just know that what you see is what you get.
Also, clothes usually tend to be the worst gift a guy can give a girl. Its either the wrong size, or the wrong color, or its 100% cotton and it will shrink. Maybe the clothes are the right size, for our IDEAL girl. It seems that no matter what we like, you girls never do. I could pick out a really nice sweater for my girlfriend (trust me anyone who hears the stories knows how she is) and the first words out of her mouth are "it's the wrong size". And I am not just saying that about my girlfriend, its all of them. Speaking of clothes...

TOPIC #3: GETTING READY IN THE MORNING- Why does it take you ladies four days to get ready to go to Wal-Mart? Seriously... if a guy needs to go somewhere we are ready in twenty-five minutes, tops. Thirty if we need to shit in the morning. You ladies start getting ready the night before... THE NIGHT BEFORE... You lay out your clothes, you try them on, you change the shirt, you change the socks....WHY? You always go back to the first thing you picked out anyways. I just don't get it. We pick out a shirt, a pair of pants and a hat. Because hats go with everything.
It takes you so long in the morning to get ready that by the time we actually leave, we're late. And some how it always ends up being our fault that we are late.

TOPIC #4: SPORTS- Ladies, you get to watch all the TV you want. We just ask for a few things. For starters... THE REDSOX... we are and always will be FAITHFUL. Yes the game is important, even if it the 34th game of the season and our record is 10 and 24. Watch every game as though it is your last. And yes the YANKEES really do suck. And I know you ladies are thinking to yourselves, why do we get so worked up, we aren't playing the game. It is because it is our escape, we need to get worked up, because we are playing. We are die hard fans.
The next sport we watch is football... all guys love to watch football. Who wouldn't want to run up and down a field getting the shit beaten out of him by guys that weight like 250-300 pounds. And yes ladies, DITKA IS GOD...
So ladies you have The Hills and Gilmore Girls, and all those good girly-girly shows, so all we ask is that you let us have our sports.

TOPIC #5: SEX- We love it, we don't care what position, we love it. So please just help us out and give it to us. We aren't asking for it every day twice a day but come on, once a week won't kill you. Whether it be doggy, anal or even oral, we don't mind. And ladies, trust me, guys like some freaky things. So don't look at us like we are weird.
And speaking of sex, how about masturbating. Just admit you do it. It will make life a lot easier, not hiding it. It isn't that big of a deal. Also don't be afraid to tell us what YOU LIKE.

So ladies, in conclusion please follow this quick guide to giving us some slack. We are human and we have feelings, so work with us....